Imagine a friend ending a story without letting you know how it concludes. A movie that stops just before it’s ending. A puzzle with its final piece missing. Frustrating isn’t it?
These moments reflect the discomfort we often experience in response to unfinished events.They also point to our innate psychological need for closure. But closure is not just about “moving on”, it is more than that. It involves the process of making meaning out of the events
and integrating those meanings into our personal stories. This helps us restore our inner balance and a sense of psychological safety. Whatever the situation, the need for closure is our brain’s way of finding order in chaos and meaning in these experiences.
Our brains are wired to detect patterns, anticipate outcomes, and avoid potential threats.When an event takes place which falls outside these existing patterns, it throws us off balance. Our minds crave resolution, as ambiguity threatens our sense of control and predictability.
This is also why we tend to ruminate, where the mind replays certain events, conversations and moments trying to understand why something happened or what it says about us. It is our mind’s attempt to fill in the blanks and complete the pattern, even if the outcome was not what we expected. We may never get an apology or receive an explanation but understanding what happened becomes the closure.
Closure is not just a cognitive tool, it plays a significant role in regulating lingering feelings of confusion, anger and sadness. Unfinished situations or events can leave us emotionally open to triggers and unexpected mood fluctuations. We may feel irritable without knowing why or feel triggered by unrelated events. The absence of resolution can also lead to a path of self-blame and eventually, emotional numbness. Our minds get stuck in the loop of ‘what ifs’, ‘why me’ and the question of ‘what could have been done differently’. And, often we mistake closure for something someone else must give us. We rely on somebody else or wait for them to give us that ending or conclusion. But closure does not come from someone else, it comes from within. It is rarely about what the other person says or does, it’s about what you decide the experience means to you.
Of course, it is not always easy. Sometimes we choose to keep these incidents unfinished. We cling to hope, revisit old conversations and stay in the “maybe” as it feels safer than coming to terms with the truth. But ironically, this leaves us emotionally stuck.
For healing to happen, we must shift our focus from relying on external answers to finding internal meaning. This shift involves initiating the meaning making process, understanding the significance of the incident and how it has shaped us.
Acknowledge the experience
A powerful way to start is by simply acknowledging that something was left open. Be it a breakup with no explanation, a friend who suddenly stopped talking to you or even a job where you are left unappreciated. It is necessary to be honest with ourselves and understand that something has happened that doesn’t make sense and it is okay to think about it. This is the step many of us skip in our attempts to “stay strong” or to “move on” quickly. We
convince ourselves with the story that it was not a big deal or that we were reading too much into the little things. But it never really goes away, if it keeps coming back or if it still stirs something in you, it matters. Your brain wants to make sense of things and our hearts want to feel understood. If those needs are not met, they wait.
Name what you have lost
It is not always about what or who you have lost, but it’s often about what they meant to you.We always think that we are upset with the loss of the person, the relationship or the job. But on a deeper level, it is tied to what that person or experience represents in your life. Maybe that friend or partner might have made you feel valued and cared for. That relationship might have provided you a sense of safety and belonging. When that suddenly disappears, it might result in a loss of trust, make it difficult for you to trust others and even yourself. A loss of your sense of future that you were hoping to build together, or even a loss of confidence as the incident might have left you feeling confused, making the world around you feel unpredictable. By understanding and naming what you have lost, you will be able to provide language to your emotional experience. Through this, the incident slowly starts to lose its silent power over you. You realise that it hurts not because you are weak but because you cared and trusted.
Frame a kinder narrative
In our attempts to complete the story, our minds try to fill in the blanks with our own versions that are often not kind. It circles around self-blame and keeps us thinking: “was it my fault?”,“Did I say something wrong” or even have you thinking that you might not have been good enough. That is your brain typing to protect you by giving some explanation to the unknown.Hence this makes it so important to offer yourself a kinder narrative. These help in making sense of what happened in a more healthier and sustainable manner.
Create a closing Ritual
Even after all this, you might wonder what is something that you can do to give yourself that sense of closure, an ending. While you have understood what the incident meant for you and how it fits into your personal story, a closing ritual can help cement this process. Even though it may sound a little unusual, even the simple, symbolic ones can have a significant impact.This also depicts how much the brain and body likes signals and this can act as one. They provide a gentle way to mark the end of something. Writing a letter to the person or the situation mentioning what hurt and what you are ready to let go off can be one. You don’t need to send it, but to just let it all out. Putting away things that can trigger reminders, even temporarily. Even writing down or speaking affirmations where you acknowledge what happened and that you are choosing to move forward can be some of the small but symbolic acts to engage in. Rituals don’t need to be perfect, they just need to be present.
Closure doesn’t always arrive in a neat package or with perfect explanations. Sometimes, it’s something you slowly build yourself through reflection, self-compassion, and small acts of letting go. You may never get all the answers, but you can still give yourself something even more powerful, the permission to move forward. Closure doesn’t erase the past, but it helps you reclaim your narrative and your peace.